This is more about questions than answers.
In 2013, I became a first-time published author, sorta kinda; in the way picking up a dead frog on a flooded street and taking it home to pin it on your wall for satanic rituals makes you the frogfather. In 2020, I became a first-time dad, in the way consensually practicing unprotected marital enrichment and supporting a woman through 9 months of aching, swelling, puking, and getting cut open, makes you a dad. Books are like babies. It all starts with an intense feeling of passion and an orgasmic breath of ecstasy, followed by months of hard work. Then it’s all over and you think the work is done and then HAHA JUST KIDDING SUCKER, that was the easy part, the real labor is just beginning, and yes, it involves many sleepless nights and much refocusing of priorities and questioning of your life choices. In my experience, the line between being a teenaged broncin’ self-published and self-edited “author” and, you know, a real one* is a big fat border wall you think you’ll make someone else pay for but end up paying for yourself. Just like you may think after having younger siblings you know how to be a parent and, that’s not entirely wrong but it’s not holistically right either. Just because you can write a book doesn’t entitle you to author status without putting the work in, and just because you can get someone pregnant (or get pregnant) doesn’t mean you’re an automatic dad (or mom) without cleaning up some vomit and changing some diapers and watching 100 episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, or whatever the kids are into these days. It’s worth doing. But you have to love it if you’re going to do it right. I don’t have a wealth of knowledge to share, I just know that it’s hard. There are rules, there’s a system you have to work within, but you also have to be creative and figure out your own path. What worked for others may not work for you and your baby or book-baby. I love making babies and I love making books, but that’s the easy part, selling either is hard. Umm. I think my analogy derailed but stay with me for one more thought. Creating is easy. Preparing something for the real world, that’s hard. But if you love it, you’ll do whatever it takes. * Self-published authors are real authors! But real editors are real editors and real valuable. Real agents are real agents and real cover designers are real cover designers and the list goes on.
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Blackout poetry is the unusual modern art form of digging poems out of the words on printed pages. It’s a great creative exercise, perfect for those writer-blocked moments. And it’s oh so very satisfying to find a story hidden inside of another and rewrite the narrative. Today’s victim is Merchant of Berlin by L. Mühlbach. Let’s see what we find. peace—rest
the streets, empty, dark, and moaning the death of a man mourning prevailed the street lamps dark and silent a gloomy feeling a superstitious force at the hour of the grave living spirits flying death gate stands I know this is controversial, well-trod ground. And yet, after two years, the debate is far from over. With the release of Rise of the Skywalker right around the corner, it’s heating up again, and I have a feeling this film will be just as divisive as The Last Jedi, if not more. So I figured now was as good a time as any to toss in my two credits.
Let’s start our journey with the generally appreciated The Force Awakens. While not flawless, its general devotion to the legacy of the Star Wars franchise was admirable. Probably the thing it did best was follow the exact same formula of A New Hope, shying away from really doing anything new. As a fan of the original trilogy, I appreciated that. However, TFA did not pass by innocently without introducing anything new to the canon, like it should’ve done. Oh no. The film introduced several blights on the franchise. Let’s start with the biggest, most glaringly blightful-- Rey. A character that, quite honestly, Star Wars would simply have been better off without. And why is this? For the simple, clear-cut reason that she is a girl. Now this, in and of itself, is not such a bad thing. After all, Star Wars has plenty of girls. There’s Leia, and Padme. Plenty. But Rey has several issues the other ones did not that make her an unrealistic and unlikeable character. For one, she never had a romantic interest. It’s totally unrealistic for a girl not to fall in love. As everyone knows if they’ve ever watched, say, the Twilight saga, or Hunger Games, girls basically fall in love as soon as they meet a guy. Now we’re two movies in and Rey hasn’t fallen in love with a man she could lavish her praise over. Huh? What are these writers thinking? Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Worst of all, Rey’s ... good at stuff. Like, actually good at stuff. That’s just ... like, what? Everyone knows girls can’t be good at stuff. Or much, much, much worse, better at stuff than guys. And yet she’s constantly saving Finn (who may not be very manly but is nevertheless a male). Time and again, she’s been better at stuff than men. For one, in her fight with Kylo Ren—a sith who’s never been in a real lightsaber fight before—after he was mortally wounded in the gut with a giant laser blast, she somehow won. She could barely hold her own for most of the fight and it was well-established that she learned how to defend herself because she lived on a ruthless desert planet full of scavengers, but somehow by “trusting in the Force,” something Kylo Ren struggles with, she’s able to beat him. A girl is able to beat a man. Just in case that wasn’t bad enough, in the very next movie, it gets worse. In TLJ, Luke, an old man who’s been out of training for years, is suddenly attacked by Rey. They fight with sticks at first and Luke’s easily able to deflect all her attacks. Then Rey whips out her lightsaber and Luke, unarmed, just lamely ... falls over. It’s unbelievable that she could beat him. It’s unbelievable that she could beat even one of Snoke’s guards while Kylo Ren is busy taking out all the others. And it is so unrealistic that Rey could lift some rocks with the Force without checking for diamonds in them because everyone knows girls only care about jewelry mostly. It’s not like I’m against female characters! Star Wars is full of them! Leia was a much better character because she dressed pretty and sometimes sexy. Rey never cares about how she looks and that’s very unrealistic for a girl. And Natalie Portman is hot, so. Let’s move onto other characters. Finn, for one, the reformed stormtrooper. He’s okay, but his one main character flaw is that he, obviously, is black. They had to throw that in our faces instead of just letting him keep his helmet on or something. They didn’t even make him a bad guy or secretly a traitor, like most black people are. Then there’s Rose. She’s a girl AND not-white, so, enough said. Need I go on? But I will. Of course I will. My hatred for anything new that adds to my beloved franchise without being the exact same as the films I loved is limitless. So we talked about what little TFA did right, let’s talk about all TLJ did wrong. First of all, Luke. How do I even begin? They ruined husbands character completely and totally. A character can’t just totally change after just like, what, 30 little years? We already saw his whole character arc throughout the original trilogy and saw him struggle with and overcome recklessness and the temptations of the darkside and stuff. Like this is all part of his character but he already conquered those demons. That means all his flaws are gone now. Only incompetent writers would think it’s possible for issues he ALREADY dealt with to resurface. And they throw all this new stuff into the movie, like sacred Jedi texts and Force projection, and Leia having learned even the slightest most instinctive control of the Force in 30 years. Why do writers think they can add new stuff to movies? The original trilogy defined every limit of the Star Wars universe and to step outside that and add anything new or different is retconning and a disgrace to the legacy of the franchise. And then there’s the whole reveal that Rey’s parents are unimportant. Who cares about speculation over whether Kylo Ren is lying or not, you can’t just subvert chosen one tropes and imply that ANYONE can be special. For Rey to be worth caring about as a character she has to be related to someone important, or since she’s a girl she should at least want to have sex with someone important. But, no. Then there’s Finn and Rose’s whole “side quest” to Canto Bight. For one thing, you can’t have fun adventurous action sequences in Star Wars. Second, everyone knows people of color would never actually try to make themselves useful like this. It’s not their fault, but again, they’re not-white and it’s just all up in our face, and they just don’t make as interesting characters as white men. I could go on, but I’ve covered it pretty well. I can’t say the movies are totally imperfect, but they’re really, really bad, and I will hate them forever and for all time. After all, I can’t just enjoy a movie that’s not one of the originals. Come on, Disney. So, in summary, Star Wars sucks now and the mere existence of movies like The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi drains away what little enjoyment I had for life and inhibits my ability to enjoy the originals. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for my therapy session which I need now because of these movies. Disclaimer: This whole article is, I hope you realize, satire. I don’t mean any of the highly offensive things I said. I only mean to point out the foolishness and bigotry of most of the criticism leveled at the new Star Wars trilogy. I also don’t mean to imply that these movies are perfect and that anyone who dislikes them is an idiot, mind you. Just that if you hate them as passionately as I pretended to in this article, then you need to calm down a little bit, and in that case you might be an idiot. Not definitely, just maybe. Blackout poetry is the unusual modern art form of digging poems out of the words on printed pages. I love it, because I feel like writing is “finding” stories. Even if that’s a little flowery for you, we all know what it’s like to search for the right words and finally “find” them. Blackout poetry is the same thing but in a very concrete, hands-on kind of way. It’s a great creative exercise, perfect for those writer-blocked moments. And it’s very satisfying. I feel like some sort of literary archaeologist, or a codebreaker, or a master detective. Today I’ve selected The Life of Samuel Johnson, by James Boswell. (I know, I know, I almost fell asleep just reading the title. Let’s see what we can find.) The imagination in water,
and other mirrors, not very large, not yet made. Do not remember, not certain, paved with night, wrought from cast marble, another between them. The various sands said I could not learn. Which glass is moved in all directions? Their surfaces, not polished, lest time were told. Covered, strained, equal; held down by which I did not understand. Which is last thought, swam in the quicksilver. More rises at the end, over the glass. Much is then heightened, built, built, but only to us. Remember His garden. “Story” is a thread that runs through our lives. Every person has a story, interweaving with the lives of many other people’s stories. Together, they form the stories of companies, communities, countries, etc.
Stories dominate our culture. It’s the most popular pastime. Television, movies, books, video games. Even The advertisements that sell you more entertainment or products use a story. I’m not really going anywhere specific with this, I’ve just been thinking about the power of story. At night when my wife can’t sleep, I’ll tell her a story. Sometimes I make it up, and it’s some whimsical fantasy quest or a romance. Other times I just retell fairy tales or movies with weird twists. The point is, the escapism of story puts her right to sleep. It channels her busy mind into the focus of story, calming her thoughts down until she can drift right off. Story can teach, reveal, and inspire, it can terrify, mystify, sell - and sometimes, the most important thing it can do is distract, calm, relax. Someday I’m going to be a father, and I plan to read to my child in the womb and as much as I can manage throughout childhood. Story is just too important to ignore. And I believe, too, that an appreciation of story breeds a better appreciation of life. I can deal with struggles and pain better when I know it’s just part of the central conflict for my character arc. My flaws and failures make me a compelling character and help me grow and develop. I want to constantly nurture that appreciation in myself and, as a writer, use my gifts to help my wife nurture it in herself. And I want to foster that appreciation in our child someday. So anyway, go out there and remember life is a story and you’re writing it. You’re the main character - treat them with mercy, but, also just remember that sometimes they have to go through some stuff to become the character they need to be in the end. I’ll be honest, today I was just like, hey, what are some of the best insults from the most literary minds? You know how it is. Sometimes people are so frustratingly, infuriatingly, engagingly stupid or rude, and you just want to have that perfect insult ready to slay them on the spot, even if you don’t say anything and just think it. I mean hey, they may be a jerk, but you just SLAYED them in your mind, so, at least your day’s better now. “The pen is mightier than the sword.” - Edward Bulwer-Lytton You’ve heard the adage. And you know how true it is. (But maybe like me, you didn’t know who coined it until today. You day something learn every new.) Every writer knows the power of words. Surely this extends to the spoken word, not just the written. Many a speaker has wielded words like a weapon, from kings of old, to modern politicians, to middle school bullies. Words can be used as a shield to defend, and also as a sword to SLAY. So here you go, some of the best insults out of literary history that I could find on the internet today. Use one the next time someone’s being an insufferable idiot, or an arrogant poopoo-hole, or even just when you want to joke around with your closest friend. I’ve also heard these will yield results in bed*. *Disclaimer I in no way imply what kind of results and encourage you to consider they might be very negative ones. For when someone’s just being dumb:
“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.” - Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake For when someone’s just that bad: “He would make a lovely corpse.” – Charles Dickens, The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit For when someone’s being batpoop crazy, or rather, squirrelpoop nutty: “She’s nuttier than squirrel poo.” - J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows A good retaliation when someone’s picking on your looks: “If looks could kill, you’d soon find out that yours couldn’t.” – Iris Owens, After Claude For that one coworker who thinks they’re better than everyone else and in reality sucks at their job (doesn’t everyone have one of them?): “The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” - George R.R. Martin, A Feast of Crows For someone who won’t stop talking poop, especially if she’s named Martha: “In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement right up to your neck. No … Right up to your nose … That’s much quieter.” - Edward Albee, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? For a classic put-down: “My dear, I don’t give a damn.” - Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind And you know that one person who is just so sucky—rude, arrogant, annoying, optionally racist and sexist and all-around offensive. It seems like there’s not enough words in the English language to describe how horrendously, abominably, tragically sucky they are. So just, like, use all of them: “[You are] a knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave; a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service; and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.” - good ol’ William Shakespeare, King Lear Captain Marvel is soaring toward $1 billion worldwide, and when I say “soaring” I mean TESSERACT-ENERGY-SPACE-ROCKET-PHOTON-BLASTING to the mark. On the verge of becoming the—(he checked his notes and Wikipedia)—7th Marvel film to pass the billion mark. And well it should. Obviously, it’s long past time for an MCU flick led by a female, and this is the girl-power superhero film with a thematically strong message of empowerment that supergirls and wonder women everywhere deserve. But not just that, this is a delightful 90s space-adventure/buddy-cop/alien-invasion romp. It’s got something for everyone and every Marvel fan. Now is this the best Marvel movie ever? No. But it may be the best non-Avengers movie, after Black Panther, and either above or tying with Homecoming. I would even place it above some Avengers movies, especially the Thors and Iron Man 2. This won’t be an organized review, but here’s a few reasons I loved it. The Problem with Bathos, or, SERIOUS MOMENT … OH LOOK A FUNNYBathos is a broad literary term, which can be loosely defined as the very high combined with the very low. In Marvel’s case, it is a name for that thing that happens when a serious moment is undermined by a joke. Think of the airport fight in Civil War. Almost every punch came with a punchline. Think of Thor: Ragnarok, when we find Thor facing a demonic god of the underworld. Thor’s in chains, demon-god’s about to deliver his dramatic, threatening spiel, and then Thor interrupts because his chains are spinning him away from the villain, so demon-god pauses mid-speech to wait for Thor to drift back around. This joke is then repeated two or three times. Even something as dramatic and impactful to Thor’s character as the destruction of Asgard, his home, is immediately undermined by bathos. Comedy relief (or comic relief) is different. It’s humor woven into the downtime around serious moments, scenes with less emotional weight. This is often a character moment, when one or two characters pause in a calm moment to make a funny quip, easing tension for themselves and the audience. It’s in-character, it’s natural, and it’s funny. The difference between bathos and comedy relief is the difference between movies like Guardians, Dr. Strange, Ragnarok, even Infinity War, and a movie like Avengers, Winter Soldier, or Captain Marvel. I’m not saying these other movies are baaaad. They’re ai’ight. (Except Infinity War. Infinity War was amazing.) But here’s the thing. Ragnarok for instance was, erm, entertaining. It never took itself seriously, not even for a moment. It was very funny. But nothing mattered to the characters, so nothing matters to the audience. Important moments like the sudden appearance of a sister, the death of a father, the destruction of a home, things that should have been impactful on Thor as a character, were just moments to make funnies. This makes for a good laugh some of the time, but it makes for an awfully forgettable movie. If the characters don’t care, why should you? I’ve seen laugh-out-loud comedies with more genuine, heartfelt moments than Ragnarok. Freakin’ Deadpool was more genuine. Captain Marvel was the first MCU movie in a while that had little to no bathos, keeping its humor neatly left to comic relief moments. It was still a funny movie, but that didn’t undermine its story or themes. It was allowed to take itself seriously. That’s part of why the story works so well. Something I hope Endgame will learn from. How to Fit Into an Established Universe, or HEY IS THAT THE TESSERACT Captain Marvel is the only hero that can claim to be the titular character of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and it’s been said that moving forward into Phase IV she’s set to take the lead. She’s new, and she’s different, but she fits right into the superhero-infested world we’re familiar with. This is not always easy or done well. Just look at the Fantastic Beasts franchise or the Star Wars prequels. Whatever your opinions about the quality of those movies, they have many inconsistencies within their established film universes. If this is one of the film’s strengths it is one of its weaknesses as well. There are moments that lean a little hard on a familiarity with the MCU - Son of Coul’s introduction, the tesseract - and yet others that will work against you if you’re too knowledgeable, such as the Starforce’s collusion with Ronin. (This is nothing new - a working knowledge of comic books and comic book movies has been ruining Marvel plot twists for years. Winter Soldier is a prime example.) Still, it’s a film that feels very at home in the MCU. The familiar formula is there, and instead of trying to buck it or change it up (lookin’ at you, Ragnarok), the formula of success was embraced and honed. We got to see Fury, a character who’s been around since Iron Man, but we got a chance to know him better, and see a friendlier, more innocent side to him. We learned more about the Kree, an alien race that appeared in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Guardians of the Galaxy. We learned when, why, and how the Avengers Initiative started. We found out where S.H.I.E.L.D. got the tesseract. And, erm, we learned how Fury lost an eye. Following Endgame the MCU moves forward into Phase IV, without the Avengers as we know them. Captain Marvel will be at the head of this transition. Part of the brilliance in this transition is that even though she is revolutionizing this fictional universe (a one-girl revolution, if you will), she’s a part of its roots, too. We may not have known about her until now, but very quickly and easily she has became so firmly established in the beloved Marvel Cinematic Universe that it feels as if she’s been there all along. Owning Theme, or GIVING A LEAD WOMAN A KICKBUTT STORY ARC THAT THEMATICALLY EMBODIES WOMEN’S STRUGGLESHey, did you see Captain Marvel? That movie about a woman answering to an overbearing man who only wants to use her body, in a society that makes her powerless to resist, and insists she’s too emotional to be responsible, until she gives the ol’ patriarchy the heave-ho?
Yeah, that movie. I think it involved aliens and a superhero too, but that was my main takeaway. Compare it to Wonder Woman, a great movie with a similar theme, but a little more heavy-handed. That film also clumsily asserted that women are innocent, perfect, peacemongering love machines with no armpit hair. Wonder Woman preaches an excellent message about the strength and independence of women, that’s true—but it preaches. Marvel plants girl power into the film’s internal organs and lets it gestate on that until it gives birth to a big poopy THEME BABY screaming about female empowerment and the struggles they have to go through to get that power. That’s a messy metaphor, but maybe that’s the point, because women aren’t perfect precious angels who shower in rainbow hearts and poop out butterflies and kittens, WOMEN ARE PEOPLE, AND PEOPLE ARE MESSY, AND WOMEN ARE DIRTY SWEATY FLAWED COMPLICATED HEROES TOO. DEAR DOUCHEY FANBOYS WHO ARE THREATENED BY A MOVIE ABOUT A FEMALE SUPERHERO BECAUSE THEY’RE AFRAID WOMEN ARE TAKING OVER HEY CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO YOU AND SHE’S KINDA TIRED OF YOU TELLING HER WHAT TO DO THAT WAS A THING SHE SAID IN THE MOVIE MIC DROP, MS. MARVEL You have stepped through the void, and entered a lawless world where boundaries are nonexistent, a world limited only by the imagination, or some such nonsense. Hello! Readers, writers, adults, children, humans, aliens, werewolves, vampires, elves, goblins, and whoever, whatever, or wherever you are--you're here! This is the place of my bloggings, where I make … wordstuffs! With my fingers! On a keyboard! (And occasionally whisper quietly into the soft toneless abyss while gently drifting away into madness.) But mostly I write, about life, about books, about what it means to be a writer. This is my blog, where you've found yourself! Thank you for sharing a moment of your valuable time with me! Let's talk about what it means to be me! I Am: Children's Book AuthorNot yet published! Working on that part. For five years I've been working on a delightful little tale for kids about two children who find themselves in a world made out of paint, full of color, where they discover courage, friendship, duplicity, and the HORRIBLE LIFE-THREATENING FEARSOME NO-GOOD THINGS THAT WAIT IN THE DARK SHADEWOODS. Sound like something you or your kids or your kid's kids or your inner kid might be interested in? There's a little subscribe button in the sidebar just for you, and also, oh look, right here! So you're still here and you still want to know more about Mr. Caleb Peiffer, and I haven't scared you away? Many delightful oddities and mad ramblings and good advices and occasional dad jokes lie await in store for you!
Let's get talking! I pulled out a randomized Q&A generator, so let's see what strange and perplexing questions I will be forced to answer. Q: What do you write? A: A lot! Novels and short stories! Mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, romance, adventure! I have a lot of different interests--aesthetics as the kids say nowadays, my aesthetics are totes across the board--and it comes out in my writing. Q: Which do you like better, book or eBook? A: Book. I love eBooks for their convenience in many ways, and ultimately I believe that the words are what counts, not the paper. But for me, reading on my phone or my Kindle will never compete with the magic of holding a book in my hands. Q: Coffee or tea? A: I enjoy both on different occasions. Oddly enough, I'm a disgrace to my writerhood and I've never been heavily addicted to either. I'm just a water kinda guy. But when it comes down to it, gimme coffee. Q: What is your favorite hair color? A: My wife is a beautiful natural brunette, with gorgeous curls, so that would be my favorite. Q: Do you have pets? A: I grew up with cats (I had six throughout my childhood), and my wife and I recently in fact adopted a young kitten. Q: Where is the furthest you've traveled? A: I have been to China! Twice, in fact, and those are the only two times I have ever been out of the U.S. of A. I have two wonderful sisters adopted from the great Chinaland. Q: What are your favorite books? A: I've always narrowed it down to five, In no particular order: Don Quixote, by Miguel de Cervantes This Side of Paradise, by F. Scott Fitzgerald To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee Out of the Silent Planet, by C.S. Lewis Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson And with that, I will put the typewriter away for now, but stay tuned for further wordings from me, including book news, deals, Q&As, art thoughts, the announcement that I became rich, and the news that I got to meet J.K. Rowling. Until then! Anything else you'd like to know about me? Anything you'd like me to know about you? Share your wordings with me! |
AuthorWriter of words. Author of stories. Pyramid of gnomes pretending to be a human. I talk about writing and books and stuff. Sign up now to receive updates!
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