I’ll be honest, today I was just like, hey, what are some of the best insults from the most literary minds? You know how it is. Sometimes people are so frustratingly, infuriatingly, engagingly stupid or rude, and you just want to have that perfect insult ready to slay them on the spot, even if you don’t say anything and just think it. I mean hey, they may be a jerk, but you just SLAYED them in your mind, so, at least your day’s better now. “The pen is mightier than the sword.” - Edward Bulwer-Lytton You’ve heard the adage. And you know how true it is. (But maybe like me, you didn’t know who coined it until today. You day something learn every new.) Every writer knows the power of words. Surely this extends to the spoken word, not just the written. Many a speaker has wielded words like a weapon, from kings of old, to modern politicians, to middle school bullies. Words can be used as a shield to defend, and also as a sword to SLAY. So here you go, some of the best insults out of literary history that I could find on the internet today. Use one the next time someone’s being an insufferable idiot, or an arrogant poopoo-hole, or even just when you want to joke around with your closest friend. I’ve also heard these will yield results in bed*. *Disclaimer I in no way imply what kind of results and encourage you to consider they might be very negative ones. For when someone’s just being dumb:
“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.” - Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake For when someone’s just that bad: “He would make a lovely corpse.” – Charles Dickens, The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit For when someone’s being batpoop crazy, or rather, squirrelpoop nutty: “She’s nuttier than squirrel poo.” - J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows A good retaliation when someone’s picking on your looks: “If looks could kill, you’d soon find out that yours couldn’t.” – Iris Owens, After Claude For that one coworker who thinks they’re better than everyone else and in reality sucks at their job (doesn’t everyone have one of them?): “The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” - George R.R. Martin, A Feast of Crows For someone who won’t stop talking poop, especially if she’s named Martha: “In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement right up to your neck. No … Right up to your nose … That’s much quieter.” - Edward Albee, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? For a classic put-down: “My dear, I don’t give a damn.” - Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind And you know that one person who is just so sucky—rude, arrogant, annoying, optionally racist and sexist and all-around offensive. It seems like there’s not enough words in the English language to describe how horrendously, abominably, tragically sucky they are. So just, like, use all of them: “[You are] a knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave; a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service; and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.” - good ol’ William Shakespeare, King Lear
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Captain Marvel is soaring toward $1 billion worldwide, and when I say “soaring” I mean TESSERACT-ENERGY-SPACE-ROCKET-PHOTON-BLASTING to the mark. On the verge of becoming the—(he checked his notes and Wikipedia)—7th Marvel film to pass the billion mark. And well it should. Obviously, it’s long past time for an MCU flick led by a female, and this is the girl-power superhero film with a thematically strong message of empowerment that supergirls and wonder women everywhere deserve. But not just that, this is a delightful 90s space-adventure/buddy-cop/alien-invasion romp. It’s got something for everyone and every Marvel fan. Now is this the best Marvel movie ever? No. But it may be the best non-Avengers movie, after Black Panther, and either above or tying with Homecoming. I would even place it above some Avengers movies, especially the Thors and Iron Man 2. This won’t be an organized review, but here’s a few reasons I loved it. The Problem with Bathos, or, SERIOUS MOMENT … OH LOOK A FUNNYBathos is a broad literary term, which can be loosely defined as the very high combined with the very low. In Marvel’s case, it is a name for that thing that happens when a serious moment is undermined by a joke. Think of the airport fight in Civil War. Almost every punch came with a punchline. Think of Thor: Ragnarok, when we find Thor facing a demonic god of the underworld. Thor’s in chains, demon-god’s about to deliver his dramatic, threatening spiel, and then Thor interrupts because his chains are spinning him away from the villain, so demon-god pauses mid-speech to wait for Thor to drift back around. This joke is then repeated two or three times. Even something as dramatic and impactful to Thor’s character as the destruction of Asgard, his home, is immediately undermined by bathos. Comedy relief (or comic relief) is different. It’s humor woven into the downtime around serious moments, scenes with less emotional weight. This is often a character moment, when one or two characters pause in a calm moment to make a funny quip, easing tension for themselves and the audience. It’s in-character, it’s natural, and it’s funny. The difference between bathos and comedy relief is the difference between movies like Guardians, Dr. Strange, Ragnarok, even Infinity War, and a movie like Avengers, Winter Soldier, or Captain Marvel. I’m not saying these other movies are baaaad. They’re ai’ight. (Except Infinity War. Infinity War was amazing.) But here’s the thing. Ragnarok for instance was, erm, entertaining. It never took itself seriously, not even for a moment. It was very funny. But nothing mattered to the characters, so nothing matters to the audience. Important moments like the sudden appearance of a sister, the death of a father, the destruction of a home, things that should have been impactful on Thor as a character, were just moments to make funnies. This makes for a good laugh some of the time, but it makes for an awfully forgettable movie. If the characters don’t care, why should you? I’ve seen laugh-out-loud comedies with more genuine, heartfelt moments than Ragnarok. Freakin’ Deadpool was more genuine. Captain Marvel was the first MCU movie in a while that had little to no bathos, keeping its humor neatly left to comic relief moments. It was still a funny movie, but that didn’t undermine its story or themes. It was allowed to take itself seriously. That’s part of why the story works so well. Something I hope Endgame will learn from. How to Fit Into an Established Universe, or HEY IS THAT THE TESSERACT Captain Marvel is the only hero that can claim to be the titular character of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and it’s been said that moving forward into Phase IV she’s set to take the lead. She’s new, and she’s different, but she fits right into the superhero-infested world we’re familiar with. This is not always easy or done well. Just look at the Fantastic Beasts franchise or the Star Wars prequels. Whatever your opinions about the quality of those movies, they have many inconsistencies within their established film universes. If this is one of the film’s strengths it is one of its weaknesses as well. There are moments that lean a little hard on a familiarity with the MCU - Son of Coul’s introduction, the tesseract - and yet others that will work against you if you’re too knowledgeable, such as the Starforce’s collusion with Ronin. (This is nothing new - a working knowledge of comic books and comic book movies has been ruining Marvel plot twists for years. Winter Soldier is a prime example.) Still, it’s a film that feels very at home in the MCU. The familiar formula is there, and instead of trying to buck it or change it up (lookin’ at you, Ragnarok), the formula of success was embraced and honed. We got to see Fury, a character who’s been around since Iron Man, but we got a chance to know him better, and see a friendlier, more innocent side to him. We learned more about the Kree, an alien race that appeared in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Guardians of the Galaxy. We learned when, why, and how the Avengers Initiative started. We found out where S.H.I.E.L.D. got the tesseract. And, erm, we learned how Fury lost an eye. Following Endgame the MCU moves forward into Phase IV, without the Avengers as we know them. Captain Marvel will be at the head of this transition. Part of the brilliance in this transition is that even though she is revolutionizing this fictional universe (a one-girl revolution, if you will), she’s a part of its roots, too. We may not have known about her until now, but very quickly and easily she has became so firmly established in the beloved Marvel Cinematic Universe that it feels as if she’s been there all along. Owning Theme, or GIVING A LEAD WOMAN A KICKBUTT STORY ARC THAT THEMATICALLY EMBODIES WOMEN’S STRUGGLESHey, did you see Captain Marvel? That movie about a woman answering to an overbearing man who only wants to use her body, in a society that makes her powerless to resist, and insists she’s too emotional to be responsible, until she gives the ol’ patriarchy the heave-ho?
Yeah, that movie. I think it involved aliens and a superhero too, but that was my main takeaway. Compare it to Wonder Woman, a great movie with a similar theme, but a little more heavy-handed. That film also clumsily asserted that women are innocent, perfect, peacemongering love machines with no armpit hair. Wonder Woman preaches an excellent message about the strength and independence of women, that’s true—but it preaches. Marvel plants girl power into the film’s internal organs and lets it gestate on that until it gives birth to a big poopy THEME BABY screaming about female empowerment and the struggles they have to go through to get that power. That’s a messy metaphor, but maybe that’s the point, because women aren’t perfect precious angels who shower in rainbow hearts and poop out butterflies and kittens, WOMEN ARE PEOPLE, AND PEOPLE ARE MESSY, AND WOMEN ARE DIRTY SWEATY FLAWED COMPLICATED HEROES TOO. DEAR DOUCHEY FANBOYS WHO ARE THREATENED BY A MOVIE ABOUT A FEMALE SUPERHERO BECAUSE THEY’RE AFRAID WOMEN ARE TAKING OVER HEY CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO YOU AND SHE’S KINDA TIRED OF YOU TELLING HER WHAT TO DO THAT WAS A THING SHE SAID IN THE MOVIE MIC DROP, MS. MARVEL |
AuthorWriter of words. Author of stories. Pyramid of gnomes pretending to be a human. I talk about writing and books and stuff. Sign up now to receive updates!
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