Blackout poetry is the unusual modern art form of digging poems out of the words on printed pages. It’s a great creative exercise, perfect for those writer-blocked moments. And it’s oh so very satisfying to find a story hidden inside of another and rewrite the narrative. Today’s victim is Merchant of Berlin by L. Mühlbach. Let’s see what we find. peace—rest
the streets, empty, dark, and moaning the death of a man mourning prevailed the street lamps dark and silent a gloomy feeling a superstitious force at the hour of the grave living spirits flying death gate stands
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I know this is controversial, well-trod ground. And yet, after two years, the debate is far from over. With the release of Rise of the Skywalker right around the corner, it’s heating up again, and I have a feeling this film will be just as divisive as The Last Jedi, if not more. So I figured now was as good a time as any to toss in my two credits.
Let’s start our journey with the generally appreciated The Force Awakens. While not flawless, its general devotion to the legacy of the Star Wars franchise was admirable. Probably the thing it did best was follow the exact same formula of A New Hope, shying away from really doing anything new. As a fan of the original trilogy, I appreciated that. However, TFA did not pass by innocently without introducing anything new to the canon, like it should’ve done. Oh no. The film introduced several blights on the franchise. Let’s start with the biggest, most glaringly blightful-- Rey. A character that, quite honestly, Star Wars would simply have been better off without. And why is this? For the simple, clear-cut reason that she is a girl. Now this, in and of itself, is not such a bad thing. After all, Star Wars has plenty of girls. There’s Leia, and Padme. Plenty. But Rey has several issues the other ones did not that make her an unrealistic and unlikeable character. For one, she never had a romantic interest. It’s totally unrealistic for a girl not to fall in love. As everyone knows if they’ve ever watched, say, the Twilight saga, or Hunger Games, girls basically fall in love as soon as they meet a guy. Now we’re two movies in and Rey hasn’t fallen in love with a man she could lavish her praise over. Huh? What are these writers thinking? Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Worst of all, Rey’s ... good at stuff. Like, actually good at stuff. That’s just ... like, what? Everyone knows girls can’t be good at stuff. Or much, much, much worse, better at stuff than guys. And yet she’s constantly saving Finn (who may not be very manly but is nevertheless a male). Time and again, she’s been better at stuff than men. For one, in her fight with Kylo Ren—a sith who’s never been in a real lightsaber fight before—after he was mortally wounded in the gut with a giant laser blast, she somehow won. She could barely hold her own for most of the fight and it was well-established that she learned how to defend herself because she lived on a ruthless desert planet full of scavengers, but somehow by “trusting in the Force,” something Kylo Ren struggles with, she’s able to beat him. A girl is able to beat a man. Just in case that wasn’t bad enough, in the very next movie, it gets worse. In TLJ, Luke, an old man who’s been out of training for years, is suddenly attacked by Rey. They fight with sticks at first and Luke’s easily able to deflect all her attacks. Then Rey whips out her lightsaber and Luke, unarmed, just lamely ... falls over. It’s unbelievable that she could beat him. It’s unbelievable that she could beat even one of Snoke’s guards while Kylo Ren is busy taking out all the others. And it is so unrealistic that Rey could lift some rocks with the Force without checking for diamonds in them because everyone knows girls only care about jewelry mostly. It’s not like I’m against female characters! Star Wars is full of them! Leia was a much better character because she dressed pretty and sometimes sexy. Rey never cares about how she looks and that’s very unrealistic for a girl. And Natalie Portman is hot, so. Let’s move onto other characters. Finn, for one, the reformed stormtrooper. He’s okay, but his one main character flaw is that he, obviously, is black. They had to throw that in our faces instead of just letting him keep his helmet on or something. They didn’t even make him a bad guy or secretly a traitor, like most black people are. Then there’s Rose. She’s a girl AND not-white, so, enough said. Need I go on? But I will. Of course I will. My hatred for anything new that adds to my beloved franchise without being the exact same as the films I loved is limitless. So we talked about what little TFA did right, let’s talk about all TLJ did wrong. First of all, Luke. How do I even begin? They ruined husbands character completely and totally. A character can’t just totally change after just like, what, 30 little years? We already saw his whole character arc throughout the original trilogy and saw him struggle with and overcome recklessness and the temptations of the darkside and stuff. Like this is all part of his character but he already conquered those demons. That means all his flaws are gone now. Only incompetent writers would think it’s possible for issues he ALREADY dealt with to resurface. And they throw all this new stuff into the movie, like sacred Jedi texts and Force projection, and Leia having learned even the slightest most instinctive control of the Force in 30 years. Why do writers think they can add new stuff to movies? The original trilogy defined every limit of the Star Wars universe and to step outside that and add anything new or different is retconning and a disgrace to the legacy of the franchise. And then there’s the whole reveal that Rey’s parents are unimportant. Who cares about speculation over whether Kylo Ren is lying or not, you can’t just subvert chosen one tropes and imply that ANYONE can be special. For Rey to be worth caring about as a character she has to be related to someone important, or since she’s a girl she should at least want to have sex with someone important. But, no. Then there’s Finn and Rose’s whole “side quest” to Canto Bight. For one thing, you can’t have fun adventurous action sequences in Star Wars. Second, everyone knows people of color would never actually try to make themselves useful like this. It’s not their fault, but again, they’re not-white and it’s just all up in our face, and they just don’t make as interesting characters as white men. I could go on, but I’ve covered it pretty well. I can’t say the movies are totally imperfect, but they’re really, really bad, and I will hate them forever and for all time. After all, I can’t just enjoy a movie that’s not one of the originals. Come on, Disney. So, in summary, Star Wars sucks now and the mere existence of movies like The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi drains away what little enjoyment I had for life and inhibits my ability to enjoy the originals. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for my therapy session which I need now because of these movies. Disclaimer: This whole article is, I hope you realize, satire. I don’t mean any of the highly offensive things I said. I only mean to point out the foolishness and bigotry of most of the criticism leveled at the new Star Wars trilogy. I also don’t mean to imply that these movies are perfect and that anyone who dislikes them is an idiot, mind you. Just that if you hate them as passionately as I pretended to in this article, then you need to calm down a little bit, and in that case you might be an idiot. Not definitely, just maybe. Blackout poetry is the unusual modern art form of digging poems out of the words on printed pages. I love it, because I feel like writing is “finding” stories. Even if that’s a little flowery for you, we all know what it’s like to search for the right words and finally “find” them. Blackout poetry is the same thing but in a very concrete, hands-on kind of way. It’s a great creative exercise, perfect for those writer-blocked moments. And it’s very satisfying. I feel like some sort of literary archaeologist, or a codebreaker, or a master detective. Today I’ve selected The Life of Samuel Johnson, by James Boswell. (I know, I know, I almost fell asleep just reading the title. Let’s see what we can find.) The imagination in water,
and other mirrors, not very large, not yet made. Do not remember, not certain, paved with night, wrought from cast marble, another between them. The various sands said I could not learn. Which glass is moved in all directions? Their surfaces, not polished, lest time were told. Covered, strained, equal; held down by which I did not understand. Which is last thought, swam in the quicksilver. More rises at the end, over the glass. Much is then heightened, built, built, but only to us. Remember His garden. “Story” is a thread that runs through our lives. Every person has a story, interweaving with the lives of many other people’s stories. Together, they form the stories of companies, communities, countries, etc.
Stories dominate our culture. It’s the most popular pastime. Television, movies, books, video games. Even The advertisements that sell you more entertainment or products use a story. I’m not really going anywhere specific with this, I’ve just been thinking about the power of story. At night when my wife can’t sleep, I’ll tell her a story. Sometimes I make it up, and it’s some whimsical fantasy quest or a romance. Other times I just retell fairy tales or movies with weird twists. The point is, the escapism of story puts her right to sleep. It channels her busy mind into the focus of story, calming her thoughts down until she can drift right off. Story can teach, reveal, and inspire, it can terrify, mystify, sell - and sometimes, the most important thing it can do is distract, calm, relax. Someday I’m going to be a father, and I plan to read to my child in the womb and as much as I can manage throughout childhood. Story is just too important to ignore. And I believe, too, that an appreciation of story breeds a better appreciation of life. I can deal with struggles and pain better when I know it’s just part of the central conflict for my character arc. My flaws and failures make me a compelling character and help me grow and develop. I want to constantly nurture that appreciation in myself and, as a writer, use my gifts to help my wife nurture it in herself. And I want to foster that appreciation in our child someday. So anyway, go out there and remember life is a story and you’re writing it. You’re the main character - treat them with mercy, but, also just remember that sometimes they have to go through some stuff to become the character they need to be in the end. |
AuthorWriter of words. Author of stories. Pyramid of gnomes pretending to be a human. I talk about writing and books and stuff. Sign up now to receive updates!
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